paradoxes

My daughter loves me one minute and then gets mad at me and doesn't want to be here (and no she is not a teen). My son loves his crazy momma even though I drive him nuts. And i tend to be more like my daughter i love myself one minute and want to run away the next. My life has been in a constant state of transition over the last 4 years and i am so done with it all and yet it does not look like it will stabilize any time soon.
i love my kids but hate single parenting.
i have many regrets but see how far i have come as a person because of my life.
i want close relationships but don't trust anyone to stay i wear my heart on my sleeve but keep a piece of it guarded.
i long for order but crave the chaos

i remember a while back listening to a message in church, it was about a man who was crippled and Jesus asked him if he wanted to be healed...dumb question right? how could anyone not want to be healed...and yet i can understand that there was a moment's hesitation, healing means change, this man would have to change his entire life once he was able bodied. As for myself as much as i long to live and not merely survive to move beyond the chaos it has become my way of life and i think it would be hard leave it. And yet i long for something more but doubt that i have it within myself to get it. There is a deep exhaustion that remains, i feel like i am going into a prize fight with the flu.

i know that comparison leads to discontent, but i see these other people who have these wonderful adventures and travels and freedom, and then i look at my life, not what i wanted, not what i expected and not what i intended for it to be.

how can i practice carpe diem when i need to pick up the kids from school ?
how can i pursue things of interest without the $$?
is it really a vacation when the kids are along or is it just parenting in a strange place?
what do i really want to do with my life?
what am i doing with it now?

even the things that i am trying to do aren't working, helping out at church means a long morning for the kids, is it selfish then that i want to do it? does being a parent mean giving up all else for the sake of your kids?
how do i find a job that pays well enough to cover child care, and make it worth my time without sacrificing the short time i have with my kids at home as much as they are?
and really what is the point of working to pay someone else to raise my kids, although i am not sure how well i am doing at it anyways so it may be beneficial.

all my life i wanted to be a mom, i think i thought i'd be better at it, and now that i am i am trying to figure out what i really want to do as a career while doing the mom thing on the side, and yet as i write it that seems totally imbalanced, but there are bills to be paid and no one else to pay them.

i know that i have to make changes cause currently this is not working, yet i fear change and cling to the now since it is familiar.

do i want to be free...yes!
am i willing to let go...maybe