STRESS

So when i'm stressed i don't sleep, or not that well anyways.
too much stuff going on ...

year end so have to plan stuff for that with the kids at school.
car shopping because my old one died a painful death over the weekend.
finding a summer job because mine is only for the school year.
car payments
which kind of car to buy
wondering why the car people are so pushy and just really not liking it
being so confused and overwhelmed by it all
relying on someone i would rather not but kind of require their expertise as i possess no car knowledge myself
trying to be grown up but not too stubborn and proud for my own good
needing sleep but fighting it
spending hours on end researching cars and reviews.
eating all my birthday fudge while doing the above mentioned searches
my babies growing up
wanting to move on but not knowing exactly how
doing things the hard way
doing things by myself
doing what i should do as a last resort or afterthought
feeling guilty for not doing what i should have first
pondering the last year in my life
pondering the next year in my life
sleepy so very sleepy.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

i know i haven't posted in a while, i've had lots going on but haven't really reflected on it. i am working on something for sunday that i think will really hit home and with my birthday just having passed i am in a period of reflection and figuring out some direction.
not sure if anyone actually reads this or not but just in case there will be more coming soon.

emotions

emotions are funny things, so often we are controlled or compelled in our actions by them.
they can make our life richer but can also screw it up .
the battle is learning to control them while still letting yourself feel.
i still have not yet mastered this not sure i ever will.
sometimes changing your feelings is merely a matter of a paradigm shift, still other times it is a matter of choices, sometimes it comes in the form of renewed hope or worse in times of utter despair.
if we can't learn to rule our emotions they rule us, but how do you control something so natural and ingrained?? isn't taming our emotions unnatural? aren't they there for a reason?
i understand about self control and not always acting on our emotions because that would lead to lots of trouble especially when anger is involved, but is taming emotions mainly a matter of not acting on the impulses that come with the emotion or is it about controlling how you feel in certain situations?

light bulbs

so today on my way home i had a few light bulbs go off for me and all of it stemmed from conversations earlier in the evening.

tonight i was at a Q&A about the Holy Spirit. i responded to a question asked by the facilitator about our experiences and mentioned that in some ways i had felt inferior in a way in regards to the topic. later i asked for clarification on a point that was made, and i did not receive the clarification i desired, and it was answered in a way that implied i had asked because of my insecurity issue. when i originally asked the question it was not to validate or prove my insecurity but rather to understand the concept being spoken of, however as i pondered it later, which i often do, (replay frustrating moments in my head that is) i guess i came to the conclusion that perhaps the deeper roots of my question was confirmation of my "inferiority" without realizing that may be why i needed it in the first place.

after the discussion, i was talking to an acquaintance with whom i have served with on a ministry team. he is leaving for another job opportunity, and i was saying my good byes to him and we got to talking about our ministry. he really encouraged me in an area where i have sometimes felt discouraged and inferior to others, and as i pondered this more, (this time because of the kind words that were spoken), i realized why i have seemed to be drawn to the age group i work with , it was then that my world began to fall apart. so i guess that i want to somehow instill in them the things that i know may have helped me that i still struggle with. and also to be of help in some way to them if they are in or come on those times in their lives. but did not realize it until tonight.

it is amazing the people God puts into our lives; the reasons why, the things they say and the timing of it all.
it's funny how last week we talked about the Holy Spirit being our advocate to help us and have been talking about "God moments" lately and how tonight while i did learn a lot and get something from the discussions it was the pondering and talking with God on the way home and all the things he revealed to me while it was just the two of us in the car.

Invisible

Ever felt alone in a crowd of people?
Ever felt invisible even in a smaller group?
i know some of it has to do with me, i guess i'm just a bit socially awkward, but how do you participate in conversations that you know nothing of or have nothing to contribute to.
or not knowing just what to say. i get kind of distracted in groups and will listen to bits and pieces of different conversations which really makes me part of neither enough to fully know what's going on.
sometimes i just wish i could get away from everything but i know i'd miss stuff.
the funny paradox in my life is that i like being around people i actually don't like being alone very much, but i also feel kind of uncomfortable around many people and just want to get away. i think it often has to do with feeling like i just don't quite fit anywhere.
you'd think i'd be used to this by now but it doesn't get any easier over time :(

Stupid brain just shut off already

so yeah i am just having one of those time where i wish my brain would just shut off already it is exhausting to have your head constantly spinning with thoughts and questions and replaying situations and forming solutions to problems that have occurred that i can do nothing about or that may or may not happen.
and i know that part of the reason i don't sleep is that it helps to shut down my brain a bit because i am so tired that i can only focus on one thing at t time and the thoughts stop spinning because i just don't have the energy for them.
just too much going on and too much to deal with i think i just need a vacation from my life, hopefully soon.

A breif glimpse...

It happened on Sunday, I had a brief glimpse of high school K, back again. Care free with a purpose and something to be excited about, having taken time to go out with friends for a fun time and for the most part not worrying about home and the kids. And focused on a lesson to teach the kids which hit me to the core, although know much of what i said hearing and believing are 2 different things. my hope is that the kids will hear and believe that they are priceless masterpieces created by the Father's hand, nothing they do will make them any less valuable. Other people do not determine their value only God does. And while i know that i struggle with that, i've had too many people leave or cut in and out of my life, and i know i shouldn't look to people but i still kind of do.
i'll just have to keep repeating stewart smalley's mantra:
I'm good enough
I'm smart enough
And dog gonnit people like me!