Mortality

eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we die...

Often our own mortality slaps us in the face, whether it be the latest natural disaster, doomsday prophesy, death of someone we know, or even looking at patients in hospitals with no quality of life.

We are not guaranteed any time here on this earth, sometimes it just doesn't seem fair who stays and who goes.

So where does that leave us? We want to live each day to the fullest but we also have daily responsibilities, we can't all just quit work and do whatever we want to fulfill our greatest wishes and desires, but we can choose to live each day with a sense of purpose. To try to connect deeply with those around us and to be truly grateful for all we have. We may not get all we want but it is better to appreciate what we have than to waste our lives wishing for more and missing what's right in front of us.

I need to stop getting addicted to pointless facebook apps and deal with my own life, to stop getting so deeply involved in characters lives wanting to laugh and cry with them while neglecting those I have around me in real life. I need to take some risks and follow my passion. But most importantly I need to learn to LOVE. To get past my own selfish desires and feelings and to pour out love on those around me because that is what life is all about. I need to learn how to show love to those around me in ways they need and to do it.

There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends. (John 15:13 NLT)

anxiety butterflies

anxiety is not necessarily always bad. at least not as i understand it. i am in a nervous, excited but completely lost state of mind. once again i cannot sleep because of it, my mind races at a hundred miles a minute, playing every possible scenario of all the situations that i am pondering. something good could come of it, or not, but there is no guarantee it will even happen?
i won't know for sure until i try but it doesn't stop the butterflies.
i do not understand myself i get all focused and worked up about something that is not even settled and set, and it makes it worse when it doesn't go how i pictured it going the majority of the time.
why does everything have to be so complicated?


Philippians 4:6 NLT

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

guess i have my answer, but doesn't make it any easier to follow.

underestimation and judgement

i have come to the conclusion that whether or not we like it God will show us our weakness, and satan will exploit it.
there are many things in life i thought i would never do. i never understood how people could do them, and in a way i thought that i was just that much better a person because of it. Pride has a way of knocking you on your butt and whether or not you eat it you are served your piece of humble pie. i thought that because i had resisted something so well before, that it would be no problem to do it again....funny how circumstances change, mindsets are altered, and mood determines strength of will, and underestimation will catch you with your defences down.
funny how easy it is to judge others when they fall, and yet be so susceptible to it myself.
i know that satan exploits our weakness and yet i was not watching out for it and didn't care to. the good thing in all of this is lessons were learned and a new understanding was born.
Pride comes before a fall, listen to that still small voice in your head, and never try to overcome it on your own.

Validation

I know that i shouldn't need it, or want it. That no one else can define me or my worth, but i somehow keep coming back to the need for validation from others, perhaps it is because i have a hard time believing in myself so i think that if others see it in me it must be true so it is ok to believe in it.
the problem comes in when someone doubts you or questions you, you have no faith in yourself so what faith others put in you is completely gone.
it is like running on empty but having little gas money you get $2-3 worth of gas here and there but in between you feel like you are running on fumes or trying to figure out how to get more even when you still have a little. you are a junkie looking for your next fix.
the problem is it will never be enough....but how do you start to believe in yourself and your worth without some of it to jump start the process, and then how do you not become dependant on it.
i guess it has to come from God. the problem comes in when you feel like you've screwed up too much and are no longer worthy of His favor, and while you know that could never happen you have to keep trying to convince yourself of it.

just dance....

so i have been having one of those days that hasn't particularly been horrible but there have just been a bunch of little annoyances, and concerns here and there all day.
my head is just spinning with so many thoughts and what if's and why's and how's.

i went to a dance on saturday, and was told by my dance partner the same thing he told me when he was teaching me to dance, just stop thinking about it so much, you are over thinking it.

today it hit me that my life is like that, i am so busy over thinking, worrying and stressing about stuff lots of which i have no control over that i am missing out on the fun i could be having along the way. God is my "dance partner" in life all i have to do is follow His lead and i will be fine. yes, i may trip up on occasion but who hasn't? the most important thing is how i recover from it all. and how well i follow His lead.

i think this chorus from a song i know sums it up quite nicely......

Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry about what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go
-John Michael Montgomery

dragon scroll

what is your dragon scroll?


the one thing you work for, strive for believe in, that will make your life so much better?


only to reach it and find out it was blank....



i think that God often tries to tell me this and i find myself so often missing the point that He seems to repeat the process although slightly differently each time as not to become redundant.



sometimes God will use unlikely people, or use you for things you never though possible to prove his point that anyone can do what he wants you to do...but there is a secret ingredient and that is God (yeah it sounds a little cheesy and cliche, but please remember whose blog you are reading). He will grant you the ability to do what he has called you to do because even though you may not believe it He knows you are a better fit to the situation.

Shower Inspirations

OK so as weird as it may sound i do much of my best and most creative thinking in the shower.
Not sure why that's why i like those bathtub crayons, they work well on the walls so i have time to come back and write it down on paper with a real pen and not something that will wash off.

i have had lots of stuff going on lately and i know some stuff is maybe not as good as it could or should be, and while i know that part of me does not want to change anything because i like my little routine that i've fallen into. But overall it doesn't really work.

Anyways back to my shower today, i was thinking about how nice it would be to have someone in my life, and thinking how nice i would be for all my on-line friends to be close by so we could actually meet. But really about how i am lacking really good connections in my life right now and how all these things are only temporary cover ups for the deeper issue, God designed up to have a deeper connection with Him, and without it any other relationship will be less than it can be, and anywhere you look to fill you up will only be temporary or just not enough because it is a pretty big hole to fill in. I guess i needed to rally think on this and get the message today because this was my shower composition today:

Why do you look to others to fill the hole for Me?

They cannot fulfill you but I will set you free.

Just shut out all the lies, they'll only do you harm.

Come and sit a while, I'll hold you in My arms.

Just a gentle reminder from the only one who can fill and fulfill to come and rest in Him and just to spend the time with Him and that will help to fill that void.

light bulbs

so today on my way home i had a few light bulbs go off for me and all of it stemmed from conversations earlier in the evening.

tonight i was at a Q&A about the Holy Spirit. i responded to a question asked by the facilitator about our experiences and mentioned that in some ways i had felt inferior in a way in regards to the topic. later i asked for clarification on a point that was made, and i did not receive the clarification i desired, and it was answered in a way that implied i had asked because of my insecurity issue. when i originally asked the question it was not to validate or prove my insecurity but rather to understand the concept being spoken of, however as i pondered it later, which i often do, (replay frustrating moments in my head that is) i guess i came to the conclusion that perhaps the deeper roots of my question was confirmation of my "inferiority" without realizing that may be why i needed it in the first place.

after the discussion, i was talking to an acquaintance with whom i have served with on a ministry team. he is leaving for another job opportunity, and i was saying my good byes to him and we got to talking about our ministry. he really encouraged me in an area where i have sometimes felt discouraged and inferior to others, and as i pondered this more, (this time because of the kind words that were spoken), i realized why i have seemed to be drawn to the age group i work with , it was then that my world began to fall apart. so i guess that i want to somehow instill in them the things that i know may have helped me that i still struggle with. and also to be of help in some way to them if they are in or come on those times in their lives. but did not realize it until tonight.

it is amazing the people God puts into our lives; the reasons why, the things they say and the timing of it all.
it's funny how last week we talked about the Holy Spirit being our advocate to help us and have been talking about "God moments" lately and how tonight while i did learn a lot and get something from the discussions it was the pondering and talking with God on the way home and all the things he revealed to me while it was just the two of us in the car.

A breif glimpse...

It happened on Sunday, I had a brief glimpse of high school K, back again. Care free with a purpose and something to be excited about, having taken time to go out with friends for a fun time and for the most part not worrying about home and the kids. And focused on a lesson to teach the kids which hit me to the core, although know much of what i said hearing and believing are 2 different things. my hope is that the kids will hear and believe that they are priceless masterpieces created by the Father's hand, nothing they do will make them any less valuable. Other people do not determine their value only God does. And while i know that i struggle with that, i've had too many people leave or cut in and out of my life, and i know i shouldn't look to people but i still kind of do.
i'll just have to keep repeating stewart smalley's mantra:
I'm good enough
I'm smart enough
And dog gonnit people like me!

i'm still here rocking in my chair

nope i haven't fallen off the planet, just haven't been inspired to write for a bit, or what i have been writing is not something i'm ready to place out in a public forum.

last night i went to a young adult group where we were taught a listening technique, then practiced within a small group setting.
our to think about and speak on was: what do you need God to be in your life right now, and can you relate that to a childhood memory or toy.
it was really hard at first, and originally i thought of something else, and then there it was it dawned on me the rocking chair.
we had a rocking chair in our living room when i was really young and i remember coming home from nursery school after lunch and snuggling with my mom under a blue blanket my grandma had crocheted. and that feeling of safety and love.
It was then that i realized i think that's what i feel is missing in my life, but i know that far too often i have and still continue to look for it in empty places, like people and things, when i really know that God has to be that for me. But i wonder if until i get it and turn solely to Him for that i cannot have it.
i know my struggle is that i literally have no one to hold me like that, and while God needs to be that for me and He is always here, but it is hard to feel it without being held.
kids are great for hugs but they're more often than not being given rather than received, and i know it is more blessed to give than receive but you can't give water from an empty well.
i guess knowing what i should do and knowing how to do it are 2 totally different things.
maybe if i just snuggle into a rocking chair under a blanket, it'll revive the memory enough to get that feeling back, i just have to kick the dog off first (lol).

no worries????

So today in our program at church the theme was on worry, or rather not worrying and giving it all to God. funny how He works his plans into my life exactly when i need a reminder.
i am stressed about my life and circumstances within it which seem to be going up and down and back and forth, i just want it to stop, because i'm tired of being sea sick. but i have an especially hard time with worry. my mother is a worrier and while i am a bit more laid back it is hard to not pick up some of that and carry it along in my life. i waste a lot of time and energy on the what ifs in life and running through scenarios in my head, which is okay i guess to be prepared for stuff and especially because in some situations in my life it would either be one way or the other so why not prep for both? the problem comes in to worry consuming so much of my time and energies that it physiologically effects me.lack of sleep, stress eating etc. i know i need to give it all up to Him (God), but i think that a part of me wonders what i would do with all that spare time and energy (if my house could it would be putting up it's hand to volunteer for it).
it' was so funny we were low on staff for our program which is small to begin with, but had the same number of kid as usual which is weird considering it's spring break, but it turned out okay anyways, we went off on some tangents in small group that may not have come up without certain individuals who are not usually in my group there but then everyone got to hear it. it was really good i was happy about how it went, and who knew the leaders could still learn stuff from "sunday school."

Trust the Lord with all your heart
do not depend on your own understanding
seek His will in all you do
and He will direct your paths
Prov 3:5-6

So do not worry about these things, saying,
What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?
These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.
Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need.
Matt 6: 31-33