I know that i shouldn't need it, or want it. That no one else can define me or my worth, but i somehow keep coming back to the need for validation from others, perhaps it is because i have a hard time believing in myself so i think that if others see it in me it must be true so it is ok to believe in it.
the problem comes in when someone doubts you or questions you, you have no faith in yourself so what faith others put in you is completely gone.
it is like running on empty but having little gas money you get $2-3 worth of gas here and there but in between you feel like you are running on fumes or trying to figure out how to get more even when you still have a little. you are a junkie looking for your next fix.
the problem is it will never be enough....but how do you start to believe in yourself and your worth without some of it to jump start the process, and then how do you not become dependant on it.
i guess it has to come from God. the problem comes in when you feel like you've screwed up too much and are no longer worthy of His favor, and while you know that could never happen you have to keep trying to convince yourself of it.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
paradoxes
My daughter loves me one minute and then gets mad at me and doesn't want to be here (and no she is not a teen). My son loves his crazy momma even though I drive him nuts. And i tend to be more like my daughter i love myself one minute and want to run away the next. My life has been in a constant state of transition over the last 4 years and i am so done with it all and yet it does not look like it will stabilize any time soon.
i love my kids but hate single parenting.
i have many regrets but see how far i have come as a person because of my life.
i want close relationships but don't trust anyone to stay i wear my heart on my sleeve but keep a piece of it guarded.
i long for order but crave the chaos
i remember a while back listening to a message in church, it was about a man who was crippled and Jesus asked him if he wanted to be healed...dumb question right? how could anyone not want to be healed...and yet i can understand that there was a moment's hesitation, healing means change, this man would have to change his entire life once he was able bodied. As for myself as much as i long to live and not merely survive to move beyond the chaos it has become my way of life and i think it would be hard leave it. And yet i long for something more but doubt that i have it within myself to get it. There is a deep exhaustion that remains, i feel like i am going into a prize fight with the flu.
i know that comparison leads to discontent, but i see these other people who have these wonderful adventures and travels and freedom, and then i look at my life, not what i wanted, not what i expected and not what i intended for it to be.
how can i practice carpe diem when i need to pick up the kids from school ?
how can i pursue things of interest without the $$?
is it really a vacation when the kids are along or is it just parenting in a strange place?
what do i really want to do with my life?
what am i doing with it now?
even the things that i am trying to do aren't working, helping out at church means a long morning for the kids, is it selfish then that i want to do it? does being a parent mean giving up all else for the sake of your kids?
how do i find a job that pays well enough to cover child care, and make it worth my time without sacrificing the short time i have with my kids at home as much as they are?
and really what is the point of working to pay someone else to raise my kids, although i am not sure how well i am doing at it anyways so it may be beneficial.
all my life i wanted to be a mom, i think i thought i'd be better at it, and now that i am i am trying to figure out what i really want to do as a career while doing the mom thing on the side, and yet as i write it that seems totally imbalanced, but there are bills to be paid and no one else to pay them.
i know that i have to make changes cause currently this is not working, yet i fear change and cling to the now since it is familiar.
do i want to be free...yes!
am i willing to let go...maybe
i love my kids but hate single parenting.
i have many regrets but see how far i have come as a person because of my life.
i want close relationships but don't trust anyone to stay i wear my heart on my sleeve but keep a piece of it guarded.
i long for order but crave the chaos
i remember a while back listening to a message in church, it was about a man who was crippled and Jesus asked him if he wanted to be healed...dumb question right? how could anyone not want to be healed...and yet i can understand that there was a moment's hesitation, healing means change, this man would have to change his entire life once he was able bodied. As for myself as much as i long to live and not merely survive to move beyond the chaos it has become my way of life and i think it would be hard leave it. And yet i long for something more but doubt that i have it within myself to get it. There is a deep exhaustion that remains, i feel like i am going into a prize fight with the flu.
i know that comparison leads to discontent, but i see these other people who have these wonderful adventures and travels and freedom, and then i look at my life, not what i wanted, not what i expected and not what i intended for it to be.
how can i practice carpe diem when i need to pick up the kids from school ?
how can i pursue things of interest without the $$?
is it really a vacation when the kids are along or is it just parenting in a strange place?
what do i really want to do with my life?
what am i doing with it now?
even the things that i am trying to do aren't working, helping out at church means a long morning for the kids, is it selfish then that i want to do it? does being a parent mean giving up all else for the sake of your kids?
how do i find a job that pays well enough to cover child care, and make it worth my time without sacrificing the short time i have with my kids at home as much as they are?
and really what is the point of working to pay someone else to raise my kids, although i am not sure how well i am doing at it anyways so it may be beneficial.
all my life i wanted to be a mom, i think i thought i'd be better at it, and now that i am i am trying to figure out what i really want to do as a career while doing the mom thing on the side, and yet as i write it that seems totally imbalanced, but there are bills to be paid and no one else to pay them.
i know that i have to make changes cause currently this is not working, yet i fear change and cling to the now since it is familiar.
do i want to be free...yes!
am i willing to let go...maybe
Saturday, March 13, 2010
frozen
here i stand...
the ghosts of my pasts linger
in vain i have tried to fight,
yet i lie exhausted without escape
they whisper in my ear, stirring memories of failure
overshadowing the redemptive hope of the future
terrified to make the same mistakes
a step feels like a mile
i want to move, to run to be free
yet i stand and wither...
frozen
the ghosts of my pasts linger
in vain i have tried to fight,
yet i lie exhausted without escape
they whisper in my ear, stirring memories of failure
overshadowing the redemptive hope of the future
terrified to make the same mistakes
a step feels like a mile
i want to move, to run to be free
yet i stand and wither...
frozen
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