ponderings on the past & present

funny how when you see people from your past it stirs up a lot of emotions in you, good or bad depending on the memories you associate with them.
also sometimes makes me wonder about the choices i made in my life and how different it would have looked had i made different ones.
sometimes i wish that life had a rewind button and you could go back and redo things in life and see how differently it would have turned out
then i think about now, and how i have become who i am by what i have been through. how i would not be the same person i am today had i made different choices, and how the good things in my life may not be.
it's ok to wonder as long as i don't dwell, to think of what ifs and play them out in my head as long as they don't take over, all the while remembering that i am creating my ideal and life just doesn't work out like that....to see all i have learned and done as a result of all i have seen and experienced, and while i may have regrets, and may wish for second chances, i have a life that i have been created for, i have had "fires" that have begun to refine me into the person i am meant to be
the past is a good tool to remind me of who i was, old friends are to help me remember that and perhaps somethings i have lost that i need to reclaim, but the future is where i need to look all the while remembering what it took to get me there and that it is a journey until the end, a constant process, and while we don't often get second chances we always get an opportunity to learn and grow...those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it, and to that i say no thanks...i will continue to learn and grow as i embrace the future, accept my circumstances and learn to appreciate all that i have become and all i have been blessed with along the way.

wheeeeeeeeeee

being an emotionally driven person can be tricky, and as much as you try to guard your heart it seems to escape and run away on you.
i think especially when you have pretty much lost all hope it will latch on and ride out any semblance of hope that it sees, making it vulnerable and susceptible to being broken when the dream becomes a reality. yet it can justify things with a nothing ventured, nothing gained mentality yelling, "Life is pain, Highness. anyone who says differently is selling something"
...at least feeling pain is better than being numb and hope is always better than fear. but i think sometimes there is something that hits you and holds you and it just seems right....naive, optimistic and hopelessly romantic....potentially a ridiculously bad combination but i guess that i would rather live to believe in the possibility of love than to be stuck as a bitter cynic who guards their heart so tightly no one can get in and bitterness spews out.
sometimes you just have to let go and enjoy the ride.....wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

it's not all black and white, but gray isn't my color

i find myself stuck on the whole paradox thing again.
i am full of them. it seems as though i am either black or white, although i do appreciate the gray area..but mostly it is when i am trying to convince myself that something is not entirely wrong....
then of course if i am not sure about things i research, and any research tends to have an equally compelling counter argument and i feel as though i am no further ahead because both sides make valid and convincing points and are backed up. while i know that some things in life are very black and white there is often room for interpretation and it is also generally circumstantial.
my head spins analyzing it all.
it makes it complicated to explain myself and who i am and how i am. and as much as i know what i believe and mostly why i believe it, i find it hard to explain to others...guess it is good that i am not a flat character, however i think i worry that because i am so all over the map and up down, left right and everything in between that relationships of any sort are difficult. i am either full of energy or slugging it, happy or miserable, and there is not often middle ground..but sometimes it can change in a 10 minute span....there are lots of thing i wish i was, and lots of ways i would like to be, and while i know that we are masters of our own change and it is our choices and behaviors, i still think that we were designed to think a certain way and behave a certain way for a reason and going outside of and beyond that is messing with something and similar to putting on a mask. generally people who try to do things to change and improve themselves tend to fail after a while because it is not who they are and they get tired of pretending. this is not to say that improvements cannot or should not be made, because i also know that some things are a learned behavior and those can be adapted while staying true to who you are .. i guess it really comes down to knowing who you are as a person, really truly down in your core....finding out the roots of certain behaviors and embracing the things that make you unique and who you are, and finding all the things that are not working and adapting them to your life in your own way. (all the while realizing that you will constantly struggle with your sinful urges and those are something you are meant to overcome, the good thing is we are told we don't have to do that alone)
so while i am stuck fighting the black and white mentality i seem to be stuck in a puddle of gray, but it's not all bad i suppose i can just add some glitter...lol

reflections on regret

i was asked today if i regretted getting married so young, i said no, but it took a while and a solitary car ride home to really think about it....

i would not have the 2 awesome kids i now have, the combination of genetics that makes them who they are is truly amazing.

i got to fall in love and act on it, not just say it not just feel it but do something about it, commit to it, indulge in it, some people never get the chance. i used to feel like it was unfair to let me have that and then have it gone, but the paradigm shift is a good one. i got to have it, and hope to have it again

i would not be who i am today...i have learned so much about myself; as a person, roots to some of my core issues, and my abilities. i have learned some stuff that works and doesn't work in a relationship and i have realized how strong a person i can be. it is so easy to look and see everything i am doing wrong..but hopefully i can start to focus on those moments where i get it right and strive to make those more frequent.

i still have regrets in my life, i have done stupid things in the heat of the moment that i wish i could go back and erase, who hasn't. the important thing is that i do not keep repeating the same mistakes and that i learn from them and can help others by my experiences.
i want to be able to look back on my life with few regrets and an abundance of wisdom, to know that all i have done, seen, heard, thought, spoken... has not been in vain but as part of a process of perfecting the person i am called to and meant to become.

no regrets, no fear..all love.

anxiety butterflies

anxiety is not necessarily always bad. at least not as i understand it. i am in a nervous, excited but completely lost state of mind. once again i cannot sleep because of it, my mind races at a hundred miles a minute, playing every possible scenario of all the situations that i am pondering. something good could come of it, or not, but there is no guarantee it will even happen?
i won't know for sure until i try but it doesn't stop the butterflies.
i do not understand myself i get all focused and worked up about something that is not even settled and set, and it makes it worse when it doesn't go how i pictured it going the majority of the time.
why does everything have to be so complicated?


Philippians 4:6 NLT

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

guess i have my answer, but doesn't make it any easier to follow.

Words

pretty words for ugly thoughts and feelings, is some ridiculous attempt to make them seem better, or to feel better about them.

i wonder if i do it so that in some area of my life i can feel elegant, if only through the word pictures i create....however i would also venture to guess that often they are more like a 3 legged ox than a swimming swan.


i like hearing pretty words, but they must have substance behind them, the feelings must be true, for when pretty words are empty it is like frostbite on the heart.

somehow sugar coating the truth makes it easier to swallow, but life is rarely like that the truth can be bitter to swallow and burns as it goes down, there is nothing you can do to change it, just endure and accept it.

there is power in words, the power of life and death, the power to harm or heal, include or exclude.
i want my words to be powerful because of the message they speak but i want them to be pretty as well, to convey that bitter truth but to sugar coat it enough to make it a little easier to swallow. the world is harsh enough...but does sweetening it somehow diminish the power of the truth???
i don't know, all i know is the truth will cram itself down your throat whether you want it or not i just hope whoever is feeding it to me is kind enough to pass the syrup.

underestimation and judgement

i have come to the conclusion that whether or not we like it God will show us our weakness, and satan will exploit it.
there are many things in life i thought i would never do. i never understood how people could do them, and in a way i thought that i was just that much better a person because of it. Pride has a way of knocking you on your butt and whether or not you eat it you are served your piece of humble pie. i thought that because i had resisted something so well before, that it would be no problem to do it again....funny how circumstances change, mindsets are altered, and mood determines strength of will, and underestimation will catch you with your defences down.
funny how easy it is to judge others when they fall, and yet be so susceptible to it myself.
i know that satan exploits our weakness and yet i was not watching out for it and didn't care to. the good thing in all of this is lessons were learned and a new understanding was born.
Pride comes before a fall, listen to that still small voice in your head, and never try to overcome it on your own.