emotions

emotions are funny things, so often we are controlled or compelled in our actions by them.
they can make our life richer but can also screw it up .
the battle is learning to control them while still letting yourself feel.
i still have not yet mastered this not sure i ever will.
sometimes changing your feelings is merely a matter of a paradigm shift, still other times it is a matter of choices, sometimes it comes in the form of renewed hope or worse in times of utter despair.
if we can't learn to rule our emotions they rule us, but how do you control something so natural and ingrained?? isn't taming our emotions unnatural? aren't they there for a reason?
i understand about self control and not always acting on our emotions because that would lead to lots of trouble especially when anger is involved, but is taming emotions mainly a matter of not acting on the impulses that come with the emotion or is it about controlling how you feel in certain situations?

light bulbs

so today on my way home i had a few light bulbs go off for me and all of it stemmed from conversations earlier in the evening.

tonight i was at a Q&A about the Holy Spirit. i responded to a question asked by the facilitator about our experiences and mentioned that in some ways i had felt inferior in a way in regards to the topic. later i asked for clarification on a point that was made, and i did not receive the clarification i desired, and it was answered in a way that implied i had asked because of my insecurity issue. when i originally asked the question it was not to validate or prove my insecurity but rather to understand the concept being spoken of, however as i pondered it later, which i often do, (replay frustrating moments in my head that is) i guess i came to the conclusion that perhaps the deeper roots of my question was confirmation of my "inferiority" without realizing that may be why i needed it in the first place.

after the discussion, i was talking to an acquaintance with whom i have served with on a ministry team. he is leaving for another job opportunity, and i was saying my good byes to him and we got to talking about our ministry. he really encouraged me in an area where i have sometimes felt discouraged and inferior to others, and as i pondered this more, (this time because of the kind words that were spoken), i realized why i have seemed to be drawn to the age group i work with , it was then that my world began to fall apart. so i guess that i want to somehow instill in them the things that i know may have helped me that i still struggle with. and also to be of help in some way to them if they are in or come on those times in their lives. but did not realize it until tonight.

it is amazing the people God puts into our lives; the reasons why, the things they say and the timing of it all.
it's funny how last week we talked about the Holy Spirit being our advocate to help us and have been talking about "God moments" lately and how tonight while i did learn a lot and get something from the discussions it was the pondering and talking with God on the way home and all the things he revealed to me while it was just the two of us in the car.

Invisible

Ever felt alone in a crowd of people?
Ever felt invisible even in a smaller group?
i know some of it has to do with me, i guess i'm just a bit socially awkward, but how do you participate in conversations that you know nothing of or have nothing to contribute to.
or not knowing just what to say. i get kind of distracted in groups and will listen to bits and pieces of different conversations which really makes me part of neither enough to fully know what's going on.
sometimes i just wish i could get away from everything but i know i'd miss stuff.
the funny paradox in my life is that i like being around people i actually don't like being alone very much, but i also feel kind of uncomfortable around many people and just want to get away. i think it often has to do with feeling like i just don't quite fit anywhere.
you'd think i'd be used to this by now but it doesn't get any easier over time :(

Stupid brain just shut off already

so yeah i am just having one of those time where i wish my brain would just shut off already it is exhausting to have your head constantly spinning with thoughts and questions and replaying situations and forming solutions to problems that have occurred that i can do nothing about or that may or may not happen.
and i know that part of the reason i don't sleep is that it helps to shut down my brain a bit because i am so tired that i can only focus on one thing at t time and the thoughts stop spinning because i just don't have the energy for them.
just too much going on and too much to deal with i think i just need a vacation from my life, hopefully soon.

A breif glimpse...

It happened on Sunday, I had a brief glimpse of high school K, back again. Care free with a purpose and something to be excited about, having taken time to go out with friends for a fun time and for the most part not worrying about home and the kids. And focused on a lesson to teach the kids which hit me to the core, although know much of what i said hearing and believing are 2 different things. my hope is that the kids will hear and believe that they are priceless masterpieces created by the Father's hand, nothing they do will make them any less valuable. Other people do not determine their value only God does. And while i know that i struggle with that, i've had too many people leave or cut in and out of my life, and i know i shouldn't look to people but i still kind of do.
i'll just have to keep repeating stewart smalley's mantra:
I'm good enough
I'm smart enough
And dog gonnit people like me!

i should...

I should be doing a lot of things right now, like baking, or cleaning, or sleeping, but i am not. i sit at my computer and just do stuff. why? i am striving for connections that i lack but am not sure how to acquire. and i am tired and keep telling myself i just have to get my baking done for tomorrow, but just keep sitting here telling myself to do it.
i should exercise and eat better, instead i keep praying that chocolates in all forms and the things that go in them will suddenly be the new power food and rev up my metabolism with it's sweet caffeiney goodness, and thinking that i'll get around to doing the exercise thing later.
i should just be able to let go of stuff in my life and move on in like fashion, but there are still so many lingering questions that may never be answered to my satisfaction and sometimes life just doesn't make sense.
i should be fighting for more things in my life but i am worn out from my last battle and feel like i've got very little fight left in my so i've got to save it for the big stuff.
i should look to God to fill my life but instead i look to to others to fill the gaps, yet i know it is futile and with God in there no gaps would exist yet i fight it, because i feel unworthy of suck an honor and perhaps feel the need for the security of being stuck because at least it's what i know, i if was to be unstuck, where would i go and what would i have to do? would it hurt again? i'd almost much rather hide out in a cave, but have this deep longing for connection and company for people to know me and love me for who i am.
i should not care what people think or if they like me or not but i still kind of do.
but i really should start baking, so i will go and bake, and take a small step in achieving one thing on my to do list for now.

**note i did not get to it untill about an hour later :(
but pondered more things i should know and do, and the number one is that no matter what God loves and accepts me the way i am, and i should take comfort in that fact.

just bake it away...

So here i sit on a saturday night alone yet again. kids asleep, chores to put off, and rather annoyed at a certain individual in my world yet again. so i bake.

realistically tonight i bake with purpose, for the children at church (why yes that glowing spot above my head is a halo lol). i have volunteered because it gives me something to do on a saturday night, i do enjoy baking, and they need a snack.

but it's funny how baking has become or maybe has always been a form of therapy for me. while i am preparing it i am concentrating on what to do next, i have the timer set for various intervals during baking, and can find something else to occupy myself for the 15 minutes or so in between, but i just bake it all away. my friend used to call it my avoidance therapy, and it is if i am focusing on that i do not have to focus on all the emotions screaming in my head, it silences them for a while. mixing and measuring and math (oh my)all take precedence over anything else and i can just be doing, in the moment and have something to show for my efforts almost immediately.

maybe that's why i like it, if i do everything right it will turn out as it should and is all done within an hour or so, unlike life. and if it is ruins you can just remake it with little consequence.
in life you can put so much effort into something only to have it fall apart. you do everything right or at least as right as you know how to and it still turns out wrong.

my philosophy, when life gives you lemons...make a pie.