no worries????

So today in our program at church the theme was on worry, or rather not worrying and giving it all to God. funny how He works his plans into my life exactly when i need a reminder.
i am stressed about my life and circumstances within it which seem to be going up and down and back and forth, i just want it to stop, because i'm tired of being sea sick. but i have an especially hard time with worry. my mother is a worrier and while i am a bit more laid back it is hard to not pick up some of that and carry it along in my life. i waste a lot of time and energy on the what ifs in life and running through scenarios in my head, which is okay i guess to be prepared for stuff and especially because in some situations in my life it would either be one way or the other so why not prep for both? the problem comes in to worry consuming so much of my time and energies that it physiologically effects me.lack of sleep, stress eating etc. i know i need to give it all up to Him (God), but i think that a part of me wonders what i would do with all that spare time and energy (if my house could it would be putting up it's hand to volunteer for it).
it' was so funny we were low on staff for our program which is small to begin with, but had the same number of kid as usual which is weird considering it's spring break, but it turned out okay anyways, we went off on some tangents in small group that may not have come up without certain individuals who are not usually in my group there but then everyone got to hear it. it was really good i was happy about how it went, and who knew the leaders could still learn stuff from "sunday school."

Trust the Lord with all your heart
do not depend on your own understanding
seek His will in all you do
and He will direct your paths
Prov 3:5-6

So do not worry about these things, saying,
What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?
These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.
Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need.
Matt 6: 31-33

in between

i feel like i don't fit in, never really have but recently more than ever. most people my age are either unmarried or newly wed, i have been married, had kids and divorced before most have even taken that first step.
however most people in my boat are not my age, but rather likely nearly a decade or so older.
i have a hard time relating to either group because i just don't fit in, and i have a hard time with people because i am scared of getting hurt and being rejected, and because of the overwhelming sense that i don't fit in.
i know someday i will that it will all be resolved in the way it is supposed to be, but for now i guess i'll just have to be in between.

monsters and ogres and me oh my!!!!

I had one of those days where i can see myself in the scene of a movie it's the part in monsters inc. where sully does the demo for the newbies and scares poor little Boo, except that it in my case it was at "Boo" rather than her just being an innocent spectator.
And then i have the Shrek moments in my life where i feel like i'm an onion that no one gets, and have an irritating little creature constantly asking me questions, but rather than constantly singing, just asking to have the same christmas song on repeat every time we are in the car for the whole ride.
if my life was supposed to be a fairy tale it has sadly missed the mark "ogres don't get happily ever afters" perhaps that explains a lot.

There is pain behind the laughter
to push the truth away
Reality is scary
the hardest place to be
Filled with shattered dreams
and pieces of my heart
spinning round in circles
sucked into the sand
hope is all i have
yet it may be a lie
that is my torment
hold onto the lies to keep me from sinking into dispair
look for the glimmers in the enveloping darkness
give up
or fight
but for what:
the lie
my dream
reality
clarity
answers
truth
but can it even be
heart and head at odds
an epic battle
how do yo fight with a broken heart
and a head that fights to hide the pain
someone rescue me.

why it is the way it is about my blog

so here's the deal with my user name.
km stands for my initials.
Awesome is meant in two different ways depending on the day, or occurrences there in.
Awesome as in super cool. ( yup i'm a dork but that's okay i've got a few people who love me anyways and anybody who doesn't, well they don't have to deal with me i guess.)
However i also mean awesome in the sarcastic sense as in : i was so totally awesome i locked my keys in the photocopy room.
i tend to have many awesomely ridiculous moments like that too.

Now for the blog title.
i used to live in a rather idealistic world a rather lovely place filled with sunshine, lollipops and rainbows and all other forms of happy things. It was basically my shelter from the harshness of the realities in my life, it was easier to escape there than to deal with it all.
However about 2 1/2 years ago it began to crack and shatter as one of the biggest blows in my life occurred, the worst kind of betrayal, and suddenly it began to fall apart. no longer could i be there because i had to begin to deal with this, i was spending far to much time there and my little rays of sunshine were having a hard time getting through because i just needed to escape and they needed me and i had nothing left to give there was nothing left of me. i had to take a good hard look at my life and the circumstances within it my world shattered the pain rushed in and i was a mess.
i soon began to realize some of my root issues for things that i had not realized before. a lot of baggage carried on from adolescence that i didn't even realize i had, for it was packed into other bags. this was a positive outcome from an otherwise devastating experience, so there's my silver lining as it were.
some days i try to go back when my rays of sunshine are more like rainclouds and everything is thundering in my head i sit and bask in the memories of happier times, and search for the glimmers of hope that shine like stars in this dark night of my life.
so here i am now living in the aftermath of the destruction of my safe place.
welcome to me.

little rays of sunshine

ever find yourself in a bit of a funk that you can't see past? caught in a poor me cycle looking around at the things you are "missing" in your life and forgetting what you have right in front of you?
i seem to be having those days more often than i'd like lately, especially forgetting that children are a gift from God and not the burdens that i sometimes think they are.
i find myself wondering how different life would have been without them, and wondering sometimes if they'd be better off without me, but know that they're entrusted to me for a reason, and realizing all the things i would miss out on if they weren't here.
today my head was just spinning no particular point of focus just overwhelmed by situations, thoughts and grumpiness. i had to just sit down and then the tears started, only to be greeted by a question "why are you sad mommy?" followed by a snuggle, and a little hand rubbing my cheek saying "poor mommy." in a minute or two we were all laughing, replacing the darkness with bright rainbows of laughter from my little rays of sunshine.
not that some days aren't hard, but knowing full well that it is a roller coaster ride full of ups and downs most days are a mix others highs still others lows, but often if i look hard enough no day is completely dark, the sun shines through at least a few times.
we're all learning how to be a family, our family with an ever changing dynamic, and that's the way it always be ever changing and evolving as life happens. hopefully we'll stumble on together in the right direction for all of us.
as for moments like today, i'll be grateful for the blessings that sometimes seem few and far between, and grateful for God , His blessings and promises seen in the rainbows given out by my little rays of sunshine.

consistency

i find it funny that the things that annoy you about others are often things that you are fighting yourself, and when you actually examine the situation more closely you realize that often what bugs you about others are the things that bug you about yourself, unless it is a need which is not being met.
For me my issue today is inconsistency, I have someone in my life who is consistently inconsistent, and if frustrates me to no end, and yet today i realized that i have problems with consistency, not necessarily in the same way, but inconsistency issues none the less, maybe that is why it bugs me so much or perhaps it is my need for security and having at least a general idea of a plan. (this stems from other issues which may or may not show up later, as i still have not decided how much personal detail i will divulge).
so is it hypocritical of me to expect consistency of this person when i myself struggle with consistency (not necessarily with this person though)?

Hmmm...

Well this is my first foray into blogging, feeling a little torn on the whole thing setting myself and my thoughts out into the world where anyone and everyone can see them, or maybe not i'll have to figure this out sometime, so perhaps i will do this instead of sleep now.
i think i have some important things to say and maybe just need to vent some stuff to the world, occasionally i get some good thoughts and insights especially after the collapse of my world of sunshine, lolipops and rainbows, hence the title.
well let the journey begin...