Something is missing....a piece of my heart. Unconditional love shown in a way no one else could, is no more. It is quiet, too quiet. a missing companion, guardian, and friend. Some people don't get it, they just won't understand that kind of bond. A sudden tragic passing has left a gaping hole, almost 2 years ago it was hard but not the same, there was still one, and now routines built only serve as a reminder of that missing piece, and yet life goes on, and for most people it's as if nothing has changed, for me a part of my world has, and a piece of my heart, actually 2 are waiting on the rainbow road for me to reclaim them, when we meet again....

“She is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are her life, her love, her leader. she will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of her heart. You owe it to her to be worthy of such devotion.” (anon)

Thorns may hurt you, men desert you, sunlight turn to fog;but you're never friendless ever, if you have a dog.-Douglas Mallock

We long for an affection altogether ignorant of our faults. Heaven has accorded this to us in the uncritical canine attachment. ~George Eliot

I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive. ~Gilda Radner

Mortality

eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we die...

Often our own mortality slaps us in the face, whether it be the latest natural disaster, doomsday prophesy, death of someone we know, or even looking at patients in hospitals with no quality of life.

We are not guaranteed any time here on this earth, sometimes it just doesn't seem fair who stays and who goes.

So where does that leave us? We want to live each day to the fullest but we also have daily responsibilities, we can't all just quit work and do whatever we want to fulfill our greatest wishes and desires, but we can choose to live each day with a sense of purpose. To try to connect deeply with those around us and to be truly grateful for all we have. We may not get all we want but it is better to appreciate what we have than to waste our lives wishing for more and missing what's right in front of us.

I need to stop getting addicted to pointless facebook apps and deal with my own life, to stop getting so deeply involved in characters lives wanting to laugh and cry with them while neglecting those I have around me in real life. I need to take some risks and follow my passion. But most importantly I need to learn to LOVE. To get past my own selfish desires and feelings and to pour out love on those around me because that is what life is all about. I need to learn how to show love to those around me in ways they need and to do it.

There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends. (John 15:13 NLT)

love

love is a funny thing, it is something we all desire but once you have felt love's sting you are reluctant to embrace it again....we need and crave love but fear creeps in and past pain sears itself into our memories so that we cannot forget. we have to now weigh the consequences of letting ourselves love or be loved again, and question whether or not it is worth the potential for pain. yet sometimes in spite of our wariness about it, someone manages to get in over walls that have been built up and your emotional paralysis. And when that happens, and you actually embrace it and let yourself feel again, hope returns bright and beautiful...perhaps it is also a matter of allowing the optimism to take over and believing that it will truly be different this time around. you will never know until you try.....is it worth the risk??? i say YES!!! the hope and power of love is worth it, the pain hurts and the scars never really go away but they make you who you are and that is who someone will someday fall in love with...if you let them.

i have often found myself wishing my life were different, that things would have turned out differently and wondering "what if..."
yet i know that living in the hypothetical or wishing things away doesn't work.
my life is what it is, some things i cannot change while others i have the choice to change.
my life is what i make it amidst the circumstances i have been forced to deal with, good or bad. i always have a choice, and i think that i often forget that. so often i allow others and what they think and do negate my power of choice.
there will always be consequences in life that i will have to deal with through no direct choice of my own, all choices have a ripple effect whether or not we see it. i have been well aware of this for sometime now which i also feel impedes my ability to make decisions, as i am so worried about the ripples that some decisions are almost crippling.
one thing i know is that life gets overwhelming, but i have to just take it one step at a time; a painting begins with a single stroke and as more are added it becomes more than what it was.
same with life, make a small change and continue from there and you will eventually end up with something beautiful, maybe not exactly as you envisioned it but still a work of art.

ponderings on the past & present

funny how when you see people from your past it stirs up a lot of emotions in you, good or bad depending on the memories you associate with them.
also sometimes makes me wonder about the choices i made in my life and how different it would have looked had i made different ones.
sometimes i wish that life had a rewind button and you could go back and redo things in life and see how differently it would have turned out
then i think about now, and how i have become who i am by what i have been through. how i would not be the same person i am today had i made different choices, and how the good things in my life may not be.
it's ok to wonder as long as i don't dwell, to think of what ifs and play them out in my head as long as they don't take over, all the while remembering that i am creating my ideal and life just doesn't work out like that....to see all i have learned and done as a result of all i have seen and experienced, and while i may have regrets, and may wish for second chances, i have a life that i have been created for, i have had "fires" that have begun to refine me into the person i am meant to be
the past is a good tool to remind me of who i was, old friends are to help me remember that and perhaps somethings i have lost that i need to reclaim, but the future is where i need to look all the while remembering what it took to get me there and that it is a journey until the end, a constant process, and while we don't often get second chances we always get an opportunity to learn and grow...those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it, and to that i say no thanks...i will continue to learn and grow as i embrace the future, accept my circumstances and learn to appreciate all that i have become and all i have been blessed with along the way.

wheeeeeeeeeee

being an emotionally driven person can be tricky, and as much as you try to guard your heart it seems to escape and run away on you.
i think especially when you have pretty much lost all hope it will latch on and ride out any semblance of hope that it sees, making it vulnerable and susceptible to being broken when the dream becomes a reality. yet it can justify things with a nothing ventured, nothing gained mentality yelling, "Life is pain, Highness. anyone who says differently is selling something"
...at least feeling pain is better than being numb and hope is always better than fear. but i think sometimes there is something that hits you and holds you and it just seems right....naive, optimistic and hopelessly romantic....potentially a ridiculously bad combination but i guess that i would rather live to believe in the possibility of love than to be stuck as a bitter cynic who guards their heart so tightly no one can get in and bitterness spews out.
sometimes you just have to let go and enjoy the ride.....wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

it's not all black and white, but gray isn't my color

i find myself stuck on the whole paradox thing again.
i am full of them. it seems as though i am either black or white, although i do appreciate the gray area..but mostly it is when i am trying to convince myself that something is not entirely wrong....
then of course if i am not sure about things i research, and any research tends to have an equally compelling counter argument and i feel as though i am no further ahead because both sides make valid and convincing points and are backed up. while i know that some things in life are very black and white there is often room for interpretation and it is also generally circumstantial.
my head spins analyzing it all.
it makes it complicated to explain myself and who i am and how i am. and as much as i know what i believe and mostly why i believe it, i find it hard to explain to others...guess it is good that i am not a flat character, however i think i worry that because i am so all over the map and up down, left right and everything in between that relationships of any sort are difficult. i am either full of energy or slugging it, happy or miserable, and there is not often middle ground..but sometimes it can change in a 10 minute span....there are lots of thing i wish i was, and lots of ways i would like to be, and while i know that we are masters of our own change and it is our choices and behaviors, i still think that we were designed to think a certain way and behave a certain way for a reason and going outside of and beyond that is messing with something and similar to putting on a mask. generally people who try to do things to change and improve themselves tend to fail after a while because it is not who they are and they get tired of pretending. this is not to say that improvements cannot or should not be made, because i also know that some things are a learned behavior and those can be adapted while staying true to who you are .. i guess it really comes down to knowing who you are as a person, really truly down in your core....finding out the roots of certain behaviors and embracing the things that make you unique and who you are, and finding all the things that are not working and adapting them to your life in your own way. (all the while realizing that you will constantly struggle with your sinful urges and those are something you are meant to overcome, the good thing is we are told we don't have to do that alone)
so while i am stuck fighting the black and white mentality i seem to be stuck in a puddle of gray, but it's not all bad i suppose i can just add some glitter...lol

reflections on regret

i was asked today if i regretted getting married so young, i said no, but it took a while and a solitary car ride home to really think about it....

i would not have the 2 awesome kids i now have, the combination of genetics that makes them who they are is truly amazing.

i got to fall in love and act on it, not just say it not just feel it but do something about it, commit to it, indulge in it, some people never get the chance. i used to feel like it was unfair to let me have that and then have it gone, but the paradigm shift is a good one. i got to have it, and hope to have it again

i would not be who i am today...i have learned so much about myself; as a person, roots to some of my core issues, and my abilities. i have learned some stuff that works and doesn't work in a relationship and i have realized how strong a person i can be. it is so easy to look and see everything i am doing wrong..but hopefully i can start to focus on those moments where i get it right and strive to make those more frequent.

i still have regrets in my life, i have done stupid things in the heat of the moment that i wish i could go back and erase, who hasn't. the important thing is that i do not keep repeating the same mistakes and that i learn from them and can help others by my experiences.
i want to be able to look back on my life with few regrets and an abundance of wisdom, to know that all i have done, seen, heard, thought, spoken... has not been in vain but as part of a process of perfecting the person i am called to and meant to become.

no regrets, no fear..all love.

anxiety butterflies

anxiety is not necessarily always bad. at least not as i understand it. i am in a nervous, excited but completely lost state of mind. once again i cannot sleep because of it, my mind races at a hundred miles a minute, playing every possible scenario of all the situations that i am pondering. something good could come of it, or not, but there is no guarantee it will even happen?
i won't know for sure until i try but it doesn't stop the butterflies.
i do not understand myself i get all focused and worked up about something that is not even settled and set, and it makes it worse when it doesn't go how i pictured it going the majority of the time.
why does everything have to be so complicated?


Philippians 4:6 NLT

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

guess i have my answer, but doesn't make it any easier to follow.

Words

pretty words for ugly thoughts and feelings, is some ridiculous attempt to make them seem better, or to feel better about them.

i wonder if i do it so that in some area of my life i can feel elegant, if only through the word pictures i create....however i would also venture to guess that often they are more like a 3 legged ox than a swimming swan.


i like hearing pretty words, but they must have substance behind them, the feelings must be true, for when pretty words are empty it is like frostbite on the heart.

somehow sugar coating the truth makes it easier to swallow, but life is rarely like that the truth can be bitter to swallow and burns as it goes down, there is nothing you can do to change it, just endure and accept it.

there is power in words, the power of life and death, the power to harm or heal, include or exclude.
i want my words to be powerful because of the message they speak but i want them to be pretty as well, to convey that bitter truth but to sugar coat it enough to make it a little easier to swallow. the world is harsh enough...but does sweetening it somehow diminish the power of the truth???
i don't know, all i know is the truth will cram itself down your throat whether you want it or not i just hope whoever is feeding it to me is kind enough to pass the syrup.

underestimation and judgement

i have come to the conclusion that whether or not we like it God will show us our weakness, and satan will exploit it.
there are many things in life i thought i would never do. i never understood how people could do them, and in a way i thought that i was just that much better a person because of it. Pride has a way of knocking you on your butt and whether or not you eat it you are served your piece of humble pie. i thought that because i had resisted something so well before, that it would be no problem to do it again....funny how circumstances change, mindsets are altered, and mood determines strength of will, and underestimation will catch you with your defences down.
funny how easy it is to judge others when they fall, and yet be so susceptible to it myself.
i know that satan exploits our weakness and yet i was not watching out for it and didn't care to. the good thing in all of this is lessons were learned and a new understanding was born.
Pride comes before a fall, listen to that still small voice in your head, and never try to overcome it on your own.

Imperfections

I am not perfect :O i know that may be a shock, but i am far from it, in fact i don't think that i have ever had that feeling of a perfect time in my life or a perfect moment. i have managed to screw up what should have been some pretty good moments and other moments have been spoiled for me. I do have moments when for that brief time all seems right with the world, but i know it is only for those few moments. But imperfections are what drive us to be something better, sometimes or they can lead us to overcompensate for our shortcomings. Funny how we all strive to be "normal" and yet no one really has any idea what normal is. "normal" changes all the time. i have decided that i need to become more comfortable with my imperfections, not to give myself an abdication from my responsibilities but to know that when i do something it doesn't have to be perfect and that it is still worth doing even if it is not entirely right. that it's mostly the process not the final product where we learn the most valuable lessons. so often my perfectionistic tendencies keep me from trying things because i know i cannot do them right that it has become a struggle to do many things because they are just not good enough. and when everything in life seems as though it is an uphill battle it loses much of it's joy and possibility and seems to be overwhelmed by drudgery. my goal is to find my passion and relentlessly pursue it no matter if i am good at it or not. and i must promise to do what i need to how i need to do it even if it is not the "right" way. i will try to learn from others without comparing myself to them, and i will remember that every failure holds some lesson and a chance to improve the next time round. it is ok to be me and anyone worth being around will love me imperfections and all.

Validation

I know that i shouldn't need it, or want it. That no one else can define me or my worth, but i somehow keep coming back to the need for validation from others, perhaps it is because i have a hard time believing in myself so i think that if others see it in me it must be true so it is ok to believe in it.
the problem comes in when someone doubts you or questions you, you have no faith in yourself so what faith others put in you is completely gone.
it is like running on empty but having little gas money you get $2-3 worth of gas here and there but in between you feel like you are running on fumes or trying to figure out how to get more even when you still have a little. you are a junkie looking for your next fix.
the problem is it will never be enough....but how do you start to believe in yourself and your worth without some of it to jump start the process, and then how do you not become dependant on it.
i guess it has to come from God. the problem comes in when you feel like you've screwed up too much and are no longer worthy of His favor, and while you know that could never happen you have to keep trying to convince yourself of it.

paradoxes

My daughter loves me one minute and then gets mad at me and doesn't want to be here (and no she is not a teen). My son loves his crazy momma even though I drive him nuts. And i tend to be more like my daughter i love myself one minute and want to run away the next. My life has been in a constant state of transition over the last 4 years and i am so done with it all and yet it does not look like it will stabilize any time soon.
i love my kids but hate single parenting.
i have many regrets but see how far i have come as a person because of my life.
i want close relationships but don't trust anyone to stay i wear my heart on my sleeve but keep a piece of it guarded.
i long for order but crave the chaos

i remember a while back listening to a message in church, it was about a man who was crippled and Jesus asked him if he wanted to be healed...dumb question right? how could anyone not want to be healed...and yet i can understand that there was a moment's hesitation, healing means change, this man would have to change his entire life once he was able bodied. As for myself as much as i long to live and not merely survive to move beyond the chaos it has become my way of life and i think it would be hard leave it. And yet i long for something more but doubt that i have it within myself to get it. There is a deep exhaustion that remains, i feel like i am going into a prize fight with the flu.

i know that comparison leads to discontent, but i see these other people who have these wonderful adventures and travels and freedom, and then i look at my life, not what i wanted, not what i expected and not what i intended for it to be.

how can i practice carpe diem when i need to pick up the kids from school ?
how can i pursue things of interest without the $$?
is it really a vacation when the kids are along or is it just parenting in a strange place?
what do i really want to do with my life?
what am i doing with it now?

even the things that i am trying to do aren't working, helping out at church means a long morning for the kids, is it selfish then that i want to do it? does being a parent mean giving up all else for the sake of your kids?
how do i find a job that pays well enough to cover child care, and make it worth my time without sacrificing the short time i have with my kids at home as much as they are?
and really what is the point of working to pay someone else to raise my kids, although i am not sure how well i am doing at it anyways so it may be beneficial.

all my life i wanted to be a mom, i think i thought i'd be better at it, and now that i am i am trying to figure out what i really want to do as a career while doing the mom thing on the side, and yet as i write it that seems totally imbalanced, but there are bills to be paid and no one else to pay them.

i know that i have to make changes cause currently this is not working, yet i fear change and cling to the now since it is familiar.

do i want to be free...yes!
am i willing to let go...maybe

frozen

here i stand...

the ghosts of my pasts linger

in vain i have tried to fight,

yet i lie exhausted without escape

they whisper in my ear, stirring memories of failure

overshadowing the redemptive hope of the future

terrified to make the same mistakes

a step feels like a mile

i want to move, to run to be free

yet i stand and wither...

frozen

There is a hole
it is deep
i try to fill it
it widens
the more i try
the larger it grows
i know that i must give up
yet somehow hold out
believing i can sufficiently fill the hole
i know i cannot but proceed with stubborn determination
i know He needs to do the job
the only one who can
yet i hesitate to relinquish control
futility at it's finest
self righteous & prideful
afraid of what it means to just let go...

the void

it is funny how sometimes doing things that are supposed to fill the empty void only make it bigger and emptier. Even though i often know what the right thing to do is and that anything i try to do on my own will always end up leaving me unfulfilled, i still try. sometimes i feel as though i am missing out on things that seemingly make other happier or improve their lives only to find out when i do, it leaves me miserable and empty. i hope that someday i will be able to use them to help someone through a similar situation or to help deter them from making a similar mistake. as always it is a learning and growth experience, but the scars that it leaves still serve to leave my heart in a state of disrepair and a sense of being more damaged than i was before.

just dance....

so i have been having one of those days that hasn't particularly been horrible but there have just been a bunch of little annoyances, and concerns here and there all day.
my head is just spinning with so many thoughts and what if's and why's and how's.

i went to a dance on saturday, and was told by my dance partner the same thing he told me when he was teaching me to dance, just stop thinking about it so much, you are over thinking it.

today it hit me that my life is like that, i am so busy over thinking, worrying and stressing about stuff lots of which i have no control over that i am missing out on the fun i could be having along the way. God is my "dance partner" in life all i have to do is follow His lead and i will be fine. yes, i may trip up on occasion but who hasn't? the most important thing is how i recover from it all. and how well i follow His lead.

i think this chorus from a song i know sums it up quite nicely......

Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry about what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go
-John Michael Montgomery

too good to be true

i have always been the optimist, generally naively optimistic to a fault, and yet when something really good comes along i can't help but think: it is too good to be true, this won't last like this for long, or what's the catch?
i dislike the fact that that type of cynicism has crept and rooted itself deep within me. i hate the fact that even when things are looking up i am looking for the impending disaster.
old wounds that have turned to scars, and past mistakes, and hurts pop back into my head and essentially ruin the moment.
most of the time i try to ride out the good times and enjoy them until they fall apart, but i know i am considerably more guarded in these type of situations now cause if it all falls apart again the new wound seems to rip open all the old ones too.
and while i know it is worth the risk, it is terrifying, but if i think about it long enough perhaps not quite as scary as the alternative.

Disclaimers and Warning Labels

Have you ever thought that people should come with disclaimers or warning labels?

i just think it would be handy to have all of your chips laid out on the table so that people could really choose best whether or not to hang around you or not.

such as:

lacks the capacity to pick up on most subtleties, please be fairly obvious to avoid misunderstandings, in case of continued obliviousness please just be direct and spell it out.

not that everyone hides this kind of stuff, it's just it doesn't always come up immediately. at least if you knew you could be better prepared for it, and realistically it does take a while for peole to truly be themselves with people, as generally, one will put their best foot forward.

it would be so much easier, but i guess that's part of the joy of getting to know people. you slowly get to know or see their warning labels and you can choose if you want to continue to stay but sometimes it would just be easier to know right away to avoid some unpleasant situations that may come up, but then again i guess we learn things through those and perhaps learn to read people better about that specific trait, or then again perhaps not.