so yeah i am just having one of those time where i wish my brain would just shut off already it is exhausting to have your head constantly spinning with thoughts and questions and replaying situations and forming solutions to problems that have occurred that i can do nothing about or that may or may not happen.
and i know that part of the reason i don't sleep is that it helps to shut down my brain a bit because i am so tired that i can only focus on one thing at t time and the thoughts stop spinning because i just don't have the energy for them.
just too much going on and too much to deal with i think i just need a vacation from my life, hopefully soon.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
A breif glimpse...
It happened on Sunday, I had a brief glimpse of high school K, back again. Care free with a purpose and something to be excited about, having taken time to go out with friends for a fun time and for the most part not worrying about home and the kids. And focused on a lesson to teach the kids which hit me to the core, although know much of what i said hearing and believing are 2 different things. my hope is that the kids will hear and believe that they are priceless masterpieces created by the Father's hand, nothing they do will make them any less valuable. Other people do not determine their value only God does. And while i know that i struggle with that, i've had too many people leave or cut in and out of my life, and i know i shouldn't look to people but i still kind of do.
i'll just have to keep repeating stewart smalley's mantra:
I'm good enough
I'm smart enough
And dog gonnit people like me!
i'll just have to keep repeating stewart smalley's mantra:
I'm good enough
I'm smart enough
And dog gonnit people like me!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
i should...
I should be doing a lot of things right now, like baking, or cleaning, or sleeping, but i am not. i sit at my computer and just do stuff. why? i am striving for connections that i lack but am not sure how to acquire. and i am tired and keep telling myself i just have to get my baking done for tomorrow, but just keep sitting here telling myself to do it.
i should exercise and eat better, instead i keep praying that chocolates in all forms and the things that go in them will suddenly be the new power food and rev up my metabolism with it's sweet caffeiney goodness, and thinking that i'll get around to doing the exercise thing later.
i should just be able to let go of stuff in my life and move on in like fashion, but there are still so many lingering questions that may never be answered to my satisfaction and sometimes life just doesn't make sense.
i should be fighting for more things in my life but i am worn out from my last battle and feel like i've got very little fight left in my so i've got to save it for the big stuff.
i should look to God to fill my life but instead i look to to others to fill the gaps, yet i know it is futile and with God in there no gaps would exist yet i fight it, because i feel unworthy of suck an honor and perhaps feel the need for the security of being stuck because at least it's what i know, i if was to be unstuck, where would i go and what would i have to do? would it hurt again? i'd almost much rather hide out in a cave, but have this deep longing for connection and company for people to know me and love me for who i am.
i should not care what people think or if they like me or not but i still kind of do.
but i really should start baking, so i will go and bake, and take a small step in achieving one thing on my to do list for now.
**note i did not get to it untill about an hour later :(
but pondered more things i should know and do, and the number one is that no matter what God loves and accepts me the way i am, and i should take comfort in that fact.
i should exercise and eat better, instead i keep praying that chocolates in all forms and the things that go in them will suddenly be the new power food and rev up my metabolism with it's sweet caffeiney goodness, and thinking that i'll get around to doing the exercise thing later.
i should just be able to let go of stuff in my life and move on in like fashion, but there are still so many lingering questions that may never be answered to my satisfaction and sometimes life just doesn't make sense.
i should be fighting for more things in my life but i am worn out from my last battle and feel like i've got very little fight left in my so i've got to save it for the big stuff.
i should look to God to fill my life but instead i look to to others to fill the gaps, yet i know it is futile and with God in there no gaps would exist yet i fight it, because i feel unworthy of suck an honor and perhaps feel the need for the security of being stuck because at least it's what i know, i if was to be unstuck, where would i go and what would i have to do? would it hurt again? i'd almost much rather hide out in a cave, but have this deep longing for connection and company for people to know me and love me for who i am.
i should not care what people think or if they like me or not but i still kind of do.
but i really should start baking, so i will go and bake, and take a small step in achieving one thing on my to do list for now.
**note i did not get to it untill about an hour later :(
but pondered more things i should know and do, and the number one is that no matter what God loves and accepts me the way i am, and i should take comfort in that fact.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
just bake it away...
So here i sit on a saturday night alone yet again. kids asleep, chores to put off, and rather annoyed at a certain individual in my world yet again. so i bake.
realistically tonight i bake with purpose, for the children at church (why yes that glowing spot above my head is a halo lol). i have volunteered because it gives me something to do on a saturday night, i do enjoy baking, and they need a snack.
but it's funny how baking has become or maybe has always been a form of therapy for me. while i am preparing it i am concentrating on what to do next, i have the timer set for various intervals during baking, and can find something else to occupy myself for the 15 minutes or so in between, but i just bake it all away. my friend used to call it my avoidance therapy, and it is if i am focusing on that i do not have to focus on all the emotions screaming in my head, it silences them for a while. mixing and measuring and math (oh my)all take precedence over anything else and i can just be doing, in the moment and have something to show for my efforts almost immediately.
maybe that's why i like it, if i do everything right it will turn out as it should and is all done within an hour or so, unlike life. and if it is ruins you can just remake it with little consequence.
in life you can put so much effort into something only to have it fall apart. you do everything right or at least as right as you know how to and it still turns out wrong.
my philosophy, when life gives you lemons...make a pie.
realistically tonight i bake with purpose, for the children at church (why yes that glowing spot above my head is a halo lol). i have volunteered because it gives me something to do on a saturday night, i do enjoy baking, and they need a snack.
but it's funny how baking has become or maybe has always been a form of therapy for me. while i am preparing it i am concentrating on what to do next, i have the timer set for various intervals during baking, and can find something else to occupy myself for the 15 minutes or so in between, but i just bake it all away. my friend used to call it my avoidance therapy, and it is if i am focusing on that i do not have to focus on all the emotions screaming in my head, it silences them for a while. mixing and measuring and math (oh my)all take precedence over anything else and i can just be doing, in the moment and have something to show for my efforts almost immediately.
maybe that's why i like it, if i do everything right it will turn out as it should and is all done within an hour or so, unlike life. and if it is ruins you can just remake it with little consequence.
in life you can put so much effort into something only to have it fall apart. you do everything right or at least as right as you know how to and it still turns out wrong.
my philosophy, when life gives you lemons...make a pie.
Friday, April 11, 2008
i'm still here rocking in my chair
nope i haven't fallen off the planet, just haven't been inspired to write for a bit, or what i have been writing is not something i'm ready to place out in a public forum.
last night i went to a young adult group where we were taught a listening technique, then practiced within a small group setting.
our to think about and speak on was: what do you need God to be in your life right now, and can you relate that to a childhood memory or toy.
it was really hard at first, and originally i thought of something else, and then there it was it dawned on me the rocking chair.
we had a rocking chair in our living room when i was really young and i remember coming home from nursery school after lunch and snuggling with my mom under a blue blanket my grandma had crocheted. and that feeling of safety and love.
It was then that i realized i think that's what i feel is missing in my life, but i know that far too often i have and still continue to look for it in empty places, like people and things, when i really know that God has to be that for me. But i wonder if until i get it and turn solely to Him for that i cannot have it.
i know my struggle is that i literally have no one to hold me like that, and while God needs to be that for me and He is always here, but it is hard to feel it without being held.
kids are great for hugs but they're more often than not being given rather than received, and i know it is more blessed to give than receive but you can't give water from an empty well.
i guess knowing what i should do and knowing how to do it are 2 totally different things.
maybe if i just snuggle into a rocking chair under a blanket, it'll revive the memory enough to get that feeling back, i just have to kick the dog off first (lol).
last night i went to a young adult group where we were taught a listening technique, then practiced within a small group setting.
our to think about and speak on was: what do you need God to be in your life right now, and can you relate that to a childhood memory or toy.
it was really hard at first, and originally i thought of something else, and then there it was it dawned on me the rocking chair.
we had a rocking chair in our living room when i was really young and i remember coming home from nursery school after lunch and snuggling with my mom under a blue blanket my grandma had crocheted. and that feeling of safety and love.
It was then that i realized i think that's what i feel is missing in my life, but i know that far too often i have and still continue to look for it in empty places, like people and things, when i really know that God has to be that for me. But i wonder if until i get it and turn solely to Him for that i cannot have it.
i know my struggle is that i literally have no one to hold me like that, and while God needs to be that for me and He is always here, but it is hard to feel it without being held.
kids are great for hugs but they're more often than not being given rather than received, and i know it is more blessed to give than receive but you can't give water from an empty well.
i guess knowing what i should do and knowing how to do it are 2 totally different things.
maybe if i just snuggle into a rocking chair under a blanket, it'll revive the memory enough to get that feeling back, i just have to kick the dog off first (lol).
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