Something is missing....a piece of my heart. Unconditional love shown in a way no one else could, is no more. It is quiet, too quiet. a missing companion, guardian, and friend. Some people don't get it, they just won't understand that kind of bond. A sudden tragic passing has left a gaping hole, almost 2 years ago it was hard but not the same, there was still one, and now routines built only serve as a reminder of that missing piece, and yet life goes on, and for most people it's as if nothing has changed, for me a part of my world has, and a piece of my heart, actually 2 are waiting on the rainbow road for me to reclaim them, when we meet again....

“She is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are her life, her love, her leader. she will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of her heart. You owe it to her to be worthy of such devotion.” (anon)

Thorns may hurt you, men desert you, sunlight turn to fog;but you're never friendless ever, if you have a dog.-Douglas Mallock

We long for an affection altogether ignorant of our faults. Heaven has accorded this to us in the uncritical canine attachment. ~George Eliot

I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive. ~Gilda Radner

Mortality

eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we die...

Often our own mortality slaps us in the face, whether it be the latest natural disaster, doomsday prophesy, death of someone we know, or even looking at patients in hospitals with no quality of life.

We are not guaranteed any time here on this earth, sometimes it just doesn't seem fair who stays and who goes.

So where does that leave us? We want to live each day to the fullest but we also have daily responsibilities, we can't all just quit work and do whatever we want to fulfill our greatest wishes and desires, but we can choose to live each day with a sense of purpose. To try to connect deeply with those around us and to be truly grateful for all we have. We may not get all we want but it is better to appreciate what we have than to waste our lives wishing for more and missing what's right in front of us.

I need to stop getting addicted to pointless facebook apps and deal with my own life, to stop getting so deeply involved in characters lives wanting to laugh and cry with them while neglecting those I have around me in real life. I need to take some risks and follow my passion. But most importantly I need to learn to LOVE. To get past my own selfish desires and feelings and to pour out love on those around me because that is what life is all about. I need to learn how to show love to those around me in ways they need and to do it.

There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends. (John 15:13 NLT)

love

love is a funny thing, it is something we all desire but once you have felt love's sting you are reluctant to embrace it again....we need and crave love but fear creeps in and past pain sears itself into our memories so that we cannot forget. we have to now weigh the consequences of letting ourselves love or be loved again, and question whether or not it is worth the potential for pain. yet sometimes in spite of our wariness about it, someone manages to get in over walls that have been built up and your emotional paralysis. And when that happens, and you actually embrace it and let yourself feel again, hope returns bright and beautiful...perhaps it is also a matter of allowing the optimism to take over and believing that it will truly be different this time around. you will never know until you try.....is it worth the risk??? i say YES!!! the hope and power of love is worth it, the pain hurts and the scars never really go away but they make you who you are and that is who someone will someday fall in love with...if you let them.

i have often found myself wishing my life were different, that things would have turned out differently and wondering "what if..."
yet i know that living in the hypothetical or wishing things away doesn't work.
my life is what it is, some things i cannot change while others i have the choice to change.
my life is what i make it amidst the circumstances i have been forced to deal with, good or bad. i always have a choice, and i think that i often forget that. so often i allow others and what they think and do negate my power of choice.
there will always be consequences in life that i will have to deal with through no direct choice of my own, all choices have a ripple effect whether or not we see it. i have been well aware of this for sometime now which i also feel impedes my ability to make decisions, as i am so worried about the ripples that some decisions are almost crippling.
one thing i know is that life gets overwhelming, but i have to just take it one step at a time; a painting begins with a single stroke and as more are added it becomes more than what it was.
same with life, make a small change and continue from there and you will eventually end up with something beautiful, maybe not exactly as you envisioned it but still a work of art.

ponderings on the past & present

funny how when you see people from your past it stirs up a lot of emotions in you, good or bad depending on the memories you associate with them.
also sometimes makes me wonder about the choices i made in my life and how different it would have looked had i made different ones.
sometimes i wish that life had a rewind button and you could go back and redo things in life and see how differently it would have turned out
then i think about now, and how i have become who i am by what i have been through. how i would not be the same person i am today had i made different choices, and how the good things in my life may not be.
it's ok to wonder as long as i don't dwell, to think of what ifs and play them out in my head as long as they don't take over, all the while remembering that i am creating my ideal and life just doesn't work out like that....to see all i have learned and done as a result of all i have seen and experienced, and while i may have regrets, and may wish for second chances, i have a life that i have been created for, i have had "fires" that have begun to refine me into the person i am meant to be
the past is a good tool to remind me of who i was, old friends are to help me remember that and perhaps somethings i have lost that i need to reclaim, but the future is where i need to look all the while remembering what it took to get me there and that it is a journey until the end, a constant process, and while we don't often get second chances we always get an opportunity to learn and grow...those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it, and to that i say no thanks...i will continue to learn and grow as i embrace the future, accept my circumstances and learn to appreciate all that i have become and all i have been blessed with along the way.

wheeeeeeeeeee

being an emotionally driven person can be tricky, and as much as you try to guard your heart it seems to escape and run away on you.
i think especially when you have pretty much lost all hope it will latch on and ride out any semblance of hope that it sees, making it vulnerable and susceptible to being broken when the dream becomes a reality. yet it can justify things with a nothing ventured, nothing gained mentality yelling, "Life is pain, Highness. anyone who says differently is selling something"
...at least feeling pain is better than being numb and hope is always better than fear. but i think sometimes there is something that hits you and holds you and it just seems right....naive, optimistic and hopelessly romantic....potentially a ridiculously bad combination but i guess that i would rather live to believe in the possibility of love than to be stuck as a bitter cynic who guards their heart so tightly no one can get in and bitterness spews out.
sometimes you just have to let go and enjoy the ride.....wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

it's not all black and white, but gray isn't my color

i find myself stuck on the whole paradox thing again.
i am full of them. it seems as though i am either black or white, although i do appreciate the gray area..but mostly it is when i am trying to convince myself that something is not entirely wrong....
then of course if i am not sure about things i research, and any research tends to have an equally compelling counter argument and i feel as though i am no further ahead because both sides make valid and convincing points and are backed up. while i know that some things in life are very black and white there is often room for interpretation and it is also generally circumstantial.
my head spins analyzing it all.
it makes it complicated to explain myself and who i am and how i am. and as much as i know what i believe and mostly why i believe it, i find it hard to explain to others...guess it is good that i am not a flat character, however i think i worry that because i am so all over the map and up down, left right and everything in between that relationships of any sort are difficult. i am either full of energy or slugging it, happy or miserable, and there is not often middle ground..but sometimes it can change in a 10 minute span....there are lots of thing i wish i was, and lots of ways i would like to be, and while i know that we are masters of our own change and it is our choices and behaviors, i still think that we were designed to think a certain way and behave a certain way for a reason and going outside of and beyond that is messing with something and similar to putting on a mask. generally people who try to do things to change and improve themselves tend to fail after a while because it is not who they are and they get tired of pretending. this is not to say that improvements cannot or should not be made, because i also know that some things are a learned behavior and those can be adapted while staying true to who you are .. i guess it really comes down to knowing who you are as a person, really truly down in your core....finding out the roots of certain behaviors and embracing the things that make you unique and who you are, and finding all the things that are not working and adapting them to your life in your own way. (all the while realizing that you will constantly struggle with your sinful urges and those are something you are meant to overcome, the good thing is we are told we don't have to do that alone)
so while i am stuck fighting the black and white mentality i seem to be stuck in a puddle of gray, but it's not all bad i suppose i can just add some glitter...lol